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Turning Over New Leaf

Monday, July 29, 2013

Losing Brain Cells Without Alcohol

bear
Naked and Not Afraid


Move over Jersey Shore! You are no longer the most moronic show on TV. Number one in the world of the utterly stupid is Naked and Afraid.

The plot of this non-reality nightmare geared to single-digit IQers is simple. Find simpletons who agree to negotiate snake infested Panamanian jungles, Louisiana bayous stocked with man-eating alligators, or leach-filled swamps in Borneo for 21 days, without food, water, or supplies. Could anything be dumber? Yes. They must be naked so the gators have something to aim at as the morons wade through the waist-high polluted rivers in search of infection or Dengue Fever.

Although we don’t watch much television, last night, unfortunately, my wife and I were clicking through the channels when we did a double take as we saw two naked fools preparing to be evacuated to a remote hospital after fool number one drank polluted water from a dirty jungle stream. We viewed the show (very briefly!) with disbelief.

For many years, I enjoyed the thrill of wilderness survival trips. I did not exactly go the Bear Grylls route, but I fished and camped in remote areas of the USA and Canada, usually with a canoe. I learned a great deal about staying safe in the wild, but I have never even heard of the ridiculous survival methods used by the brainless zombie contestants on that terrible show to which our children should not be exposed.

Here are just some of the MINIMUM basic steps I would follow before any trip into the wilderness:

1. Always have a plan. Absent a well-devised plan, inclusive of safety equipment, a person is asking for disaster.

2. Make certain others know where you are headed and how you plan to get there.

3. Although one does not plan for disaster, one must be prepared for it. Survival gear is essential. Waterproof matches, a first aid kit, fish hooks and line, a metal bowl, water purification tablets, a compass, a signaling device, tools, and protection against hypothermia are bare minimum items.

4. In the event you are lost, don’t panic. Mark your spot clearly, and stay put. Your chances of being found increase greatly, if you remain in one place. If you must move, mark your trail clearly.

5. Learn how to tell direction before entering the woods at any time. Learn how to send signals if you get lost, before you enter the woods!

6. Look for a clean water source. You can live without food, but not water.

7. Learn how to build a shelter, before you enter the woods.

8. Know good food sources. Chances are you will not starve to death. You will be found. However, there are some rules that might help keep you alive should the necessity arise. Fish is an excellent food choice. Consider all berries poisonous. Non-biting, colorless insects can be eaten after heads, legs, and wings are removed, but they must be cooked!

9. Water can be found downhill, and your direction or vantage point might be found uphill, but never venture into a canyon.

10. Do not eat snow. It must be melted and warmed first.

11. Leave snakes alone!

12. Don’t drink urine.

13. Even if you happen to be a complete moron who loves to run naked through the jungle, don’t remove your clothing. This greatly increases your risk of dehydration and severe sunburn.

These are just a few of the real survival tips for non-suicidal adventurers who are not fond of Malaria.
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16 comments:

  1. Gee, I thought I liked that show...guess not.

    What time is Honey Boo Boo on?

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    1. joeh: The world is coming to an end!

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  2. So sorry you happened upon this show. When I saw an advertisement for it, I thought it was a joke. Then when I realized it was real I knew I wouldn't be tuning in. And this from one who does like reality TV in many forms as I find it more interesting than all the shows that have such clear leftist agendas.
    I like your tips. I hope to never need them, but they make sense. Maybe there is hope that real stupidity truly will find its way out of the gene pool!

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  3. I saw it advertised and didn't get the naked bit. Like they can show that on television anyway.
    Yes, yet another moronic show.

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  4. I have never heard of Naked and Afraid... guess I don't watch much moronic reality shows...tho I am hooked on Bear Grylls! are u sure you aren't a relative of his? Your list of how to's would definitely make me safe... I too agree w/your list- gotta think of even the most remote... You are right August 1st. should be the start for me!. And its definitely true that its situations NOT the person that is scary...

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  5. Thanks. I'm sure I'd never be tuning into that program anyway but it's always wise to be semper paratus. In the old days, all you'd need is the swiss army knife but now I'd add some water purification pills. Water..... the most important thing to life.

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    1. Manzie: Yes. A Swiss army knife and a brain. Brains must be politically incorrect. Who would want one when you can run naked through a snake-infested jungle.

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  6. The last tip would be never to use any tips acquired from viewing Naked and Afraid. I saw a preview for that show... what are we coming to? Have you ever watched the movie "Idiocracy"? If not, do so. Scary to know we are at least halfway there.

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    1. Donna: I have not seen the movie, but I imagine we are getting there as well. Scary indeed.

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  7. Is it okay if you combine #'s 10 and 12 when melted?! I'm sure that I wouldn't survive more than a day fully dressed in the wilderness.

    Julie

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    1. Julie: Sure you would - unless you combined 10 and 12. I think I'd rather starve!

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  8. I have not heard of this show, but I hate Reality TV, so I am sure I wouldn't have watched anyway. I don't know how they get away with naked on TV in the first place. In the second place, I don't know why anyone would sign up for this sort of torture. Oh yeah... everyone wants to be a "celebrity" no matter what the cost. That is the new reality.

    I liked your survival tips. Never know when you might need them...

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    1. Robin: I wish I had never experienced it. While some of the nudity was obscured, they got to air their rear ends in prime time so our kids would get a taste of reality. I wonder if there is a relationship between our rapidly sliding societal morals and the rising teen pregnancy rate?

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  9. I havent seen this show but I would say that the people who made it are darn near being sued if anything truly bad happened to the morons. But they have a camera crew, etc with them, right? Just hope that no genuinely unwell people needed the medical help or the doctors that were used tending to them.

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    Replies
    1. Jenny: Already several have suffered severe dehydration, one a serious foot puncture, and one was airlifted to a rudimentary hospital in Borneo after contracting a jungle fever.

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