WHILE MY LIFETIME FOCUS REMAINS THE HUMANITIES, AFTER MANY YEARS OF ACADEMIC WRITING, WITH MY SENSE OF SARCASM HEIGHTENED, I HAVE RE-KINDLED MY INTEREST IN TRAVEL AND HUMOR. I AM NOW WORKING IN THE GENRE OF HUMOR AND RE-VISITING THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE. OF COURSE, I AM ALSO SEEKING AN AGENT AND A PUBLISHER FOR MY CURRENT WORK IN PROGRESS. IN THE INTERIM, I POST A GREAT DEAL ABOUT THE HUMAN CONDITION.
Turning Over New Leaf
Monday, July 29, 2013
Losing Brain Cells Without Alcohol
Naked and Not Afraid Move over Jersey Shore!
You are no longer the most moronic show on TV. Number one in the world of
the utterly stupid is Naked and Afraid.
The plot of this non-reality nightmare geared to single-digit
IQers is simple. Find simpletons who agree to negotiate snake infested Panamanian
jungles, Louisiana bayous stocked with man-eating alligators, or leach-filled swamps
in Borneo for 21 days, without food, water, or supplies. Could anything be
dumber? Yes. They must be naked so the gators have something to aim at as the
morons wade through the waist-high polluted rivers in search of infection or Dengue
Although we don’t watch much television, last night, unfortunately,
my wife and I were clicking through the channels when we did a double take as
we saw two naked fools preparing to be evacuated to a remote hospital after
fool number one drank polluted water from a dirty jungle stream. We viewed the
show (very briefly!) with disbelief.
For many years, I enjoyed the thrill of wilderness survival
trips. I did not exactly go the BearGrylls route, but I fished and
camped in remote areas of the USA and Canada, usually with a canoe. I learned a
great deal about staying safe in the wild, but I have never even heard of the
ridiculous survival methods used by the brainless zombie contestants on that
terrible show to which our children should not be exposed.
Here are just some of the MINIMUM basic steps I would follow before any
trip into the wilderness:
1. Always have a plan. Absent a well-devised plan, inclusive of safety
equipment, a person is asking for disaster.
2. Make certain others know where you are headed and how you plan to get
3. Although one does not plan for disaster, one must be prepared for it.
Survival gear is essential. Waterproof matches, a first aid kit, fish hooks and
line, a metal bowl, water purification tablets, a compass, a signaling device, tools,
and protection against hypothermia are bare minimum items.
4. In the event you are lost, don’t panic. Mark your spot clearly, and
stay put. Your chances of being found increase greatly, if you remain in one
place. If you must move, mark your trail clearly.
5. Learn how to tell direction before entering the woods at any time.
Learn how to send signals if you get lost, before you enter the woods!
6. Look for a clean water source. You can live without food, but not
7. Learn how to build a shelter, before you enter the woods.
8. Know good food sources. Chances are you will not starve to death. You
will be found. However, there are some rules that might help keep you alive
should the necessity arise. Fish is an excellent food choice. Consider all
berries poisonous. Non-biting, colorless insects can be eaten after heads,
legs, and wings are removed, but they must be cooked!
9. Water can be found downhill, and your direction or vantage point might
be found uphill, but never venture into a canyon.
10. Do not eat snow. It must be melted and warmed first.
11. Leave snakes alone!
12. Don’t drink urine.
13. Even if you happen to be a complete moron who loves to run naked through
the jungle, don’t remove your clothing. This greatly increases your risk of dehydration
and severe sunburn.
These are just a few of the real survival tips for non-suicidal adventurers
who are not fond of Malaria.