Cro Magnon Decorating For Women








Cro Magnon Decorating For Women 





It was a pounding headache that capped off one miserable day. I walked through my entrance, which has been connected to the garage in every house we ever lived, and I thought my head would pop like an over-pumped balloon. Of course, the women in my family wanted to know what color balloon. Why? Because they have style, and apparently, I have none.

Today, I will debunk that conclusion, although it is possible my readers might disagree. Humbly, I state there is nothing to the interior design thing. I am willing to share my very simple Cro Magnon Decorating Plan for Women (I believe it is French).

After years of marriage to a woman who breathes aesthetics, and three lovely daughters who believe it is all about how the world looks, my analytical mind has developed the ultimate interior decorating plan. Ladies, pay attention!

Let's analyze the basic living conditions in your home or apartment, without considering bedrooms, baths, living rooms, dining rooms, or kitchens. What follows are some of my basic tips, which can be easily adapted to a tent or the Taj Mahal, that is, as long as you wish to live with a man. 

To create our standard interior masterpiece, one can forget about decor and color schemes. It is all about the males with whom you reside. Therefore, catagorizing the male species is the perfect place to begin. I realize there are exceptions, but you will never find them in this lifetime, so just follow along by studying these basic types of husbands. These prototypes also apply to boyfriends, unless you are seriously considering marrying them. Should that be the case, say nothing until after the ceremony and surprise him.

1. The husband who enjoys anything remotely resembling a sport

Here is the guy who will never pickup any item he drops on the floor, which usually means anything he considers clothing. He would much prefer to live in a cave, but he needs you, and you do not like dampness. Thus, this husband will sacrifice and move into a traditional home. He possesses certain characteristics that never waiver. He holds the remote to the flat screen TV more often than he holds you, but he has no clue about his surroundings, unless he needs a beer. This husband has friends and dogs, and recognizing that they are not one and the same empowers you. Be aware the buddies and the canines have his habits, but they don't have to live with you, so he will keep them under control at all times, unless the game is televised.

Now decorating around this basic model male is a snap. The sky is the limit as long as he has no idea how much you are spending to improve his living conditions. Should you be caught, tell him you spent the money on the kids and immediately ask him if he plans on going fishing for the weekend. The only caveat is his chair. NEVER move his chair. Throwing some fancy colored drape or Afghan over the chair if you expect company and don't neccessarily enjoy embarrassment is acceptable, but never relocate this item. Studies show that 28% of all divorces are the result of chair relocation. Of course, you will probably end up with the house, at which time you can burn the damn chair and begin the process of finding another man more yielding.

2. The Compromiser

Here is the guy you always wanted. He will go along for the ride with a smile on his face, and he will make believe he enjoys it. You will be able to keep this guy forever, provided you do not get carried away and attempt to decorate him. This husband will purchase anything you desire, provided you use the basic God-given talent all females possess. It is what differentiates the genders. There is no other way to put the principle except this: Make him think it was his idea. This model male will go for his lungs believing his surroundings resulted from tapping his creative side. You will easily sway the compromiser in any manner you choose, so long as he feels powerful in his realm by allowing you to occasionally experience the mastery of his feminine side. Like the sports guy, this model has no clue.

3. The husband who prefers to urinate in a sitting position

Here is the guy you must worry about. You can easily spot him by noticing his Italian shoes. He will love the decorating game. There is no forced sensitivity with this model. He genuinely cries, understands why he buys you pretty flowers once a month, and thrives on color and aesthetics. This man will never forget a birthday, and will go out of his way to purchase you a colorful, delicate remote control unit in the event you opt to spend a Saturday evening watching the HGTV channel. Husband #3 knows the French wine classification of 1855, and would always have at least a second growth Bordeaux available for you, unless it is a special occasion when he turns down the lights and whips out a Chateau La Tour.

Perfect you say? Be careful. This guy actually likes this stuff. No marriage ever lasted between two people having more than a maximum of three things in common. Just try changing the curtains. He won't like your selection. This man can spell armoir. It will take you six years to pick out the chandelier. He spends his unexpected time off examining swatches you would not buy with someone else's money. Silk actually means something to this man.

Now it is not like I never heard of silk. Upon writing this tip, my thoughts immediately gravitated toward the book I read last year about the adventures of Marco Polo. However, I warn all single ladies not to engage in conversation with any man that looks good. It is a recipe for decorating disaster.

Comments

  1. Great post JJ! I reckon my man is mainly no.2 but sways towards no.3 occasionally on account of being a very skilled upholsterer for 20 years and having very good taste in fabrics ;-) I allow him that.

    JX

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  2. Oh Lord. This explains so much. I believe it was Katherine Hepburn that said that men and women shouldn't even try to live together. "They should just live next door to one another and visit now and then." I am thinking that the woman might have a point.

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  3. ;-)) Im lost for words....im still talking it all in....;-)) Interesting post and well written...still thinking ;-))))) Dee

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  4. Juniper: Obviously, your man does not wear the Italian shoes.

    Robin: If Katherine Hepburn said it, it is true. She was one of my favorites!

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  5. Dee: My wife read it and just shook her head. She must still be taking it all in as well.

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  6. Well, u have learned well!. I can tell there is a lot of willing give and take..and understanding..BTW, as far as your comment.. I've always liked teachers who told it like it is/was.. Kids respect truth but more than that the way its told... especially if its said w/tact and sensitivity..

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  7. 20 year wait? naw, show up at the first reunion.. I bet u can tell from your classes which students are getting what u say..

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  8. KBF: The truth is I love the young high school and college kids, and I love watching them grow up. I know a lot of what I say sinks in. For some, I am the only rational adult in their lives. I try very hard to introduce them to good principles of life, without tainting them with my personal philosophies (which I maintain teachers have no right to do).

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  9. Oh dear...Wow I really like the sound of model 2 "The Compromiser" Tell me... how does one get their old model modified??? Hee! Hee! Hee!
    I don't want to get rid of my old model or trade it in or anything like that! I just wouldn't mind getting my model tweaked a little!!

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  10. Katherine: On my blog, I usually avoid discussions on the afterlife. In this life, it would be easier to change a leopard by painting its spots.

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  11. JJ: I happy my almost-hubby goes to art shows with me! =)
    He actually gets more bugged about the state of our home than I do!
    As for the chair - don't move mine! LO:

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  12. A-M: I wouldn't think of it!

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  13. Too funny! Oh, if only I could stand the dampness of a cave - then I would be the compromiser! :-)

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