God Save the Queen!

crown

I wish to thank my British companion, John G., for bringing this recent letter from Her Majesty to my attention. Without his assistance, I would have erroneously concluded that the citizens of the Mother Country had no sense of humour. Now, I know they must.

To the citizens of the United States of America
from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not be able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary).

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter u will be reinstated in words such as colour, favour, labour and neighbour.  Likewise, you will learn to spell doughnut without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix –ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up vocabulary).
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter u and the
elimination of -ize.
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.  Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup, but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth, and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed  with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football.  There are only two kinds of proper football: one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders).  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.
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God Save the Queen!

Comments

  1. We UK people have a wonderful sense of humour though it leans mainly to the droll type. I like the No 11 American football reference.

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  2. Chibi Janine: Yes, I agree. I have come to learn more about it. As for #11, I am certain my readers from NZ will appreciate it as well.

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  3. This is over the top! Very cool....and as for the last tea talk...I've been lucky enough to have had a High Tea in London and my daughter took me to a fabulous one in Bath, England...their cream is unbelievable too!

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  4. Too funny. Without a little 'over-the-topness' I might have mistaken this for the real deal.

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  5. What about dentists? No, wait. That may be a little too tongue-in-cheek. I know! Hats! All American women must resume wearing hats to all social functions. Oh, and men with ball caps will be forever banned from any eating establishment. I could definitely live with that one!

    Smart and clever, JJ!

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  6. Suze: I'm a vinegar guy myself.

    Karen S: Ah, Bath. The Roman ruins, High Tea, the cream ... Ah, yes. Bath.

    'Yellow Rose' Jasmine: The way things are going, I'm ready to surrender.

    Judie: I'm more of pub guy. The Brits know how to gather socially.

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  7. This made me smile. The bit about vegetable peelers is priceless :), Miriam@Meatless Meals For Meat Eaters

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  8. Miriam: Yes. It really grew on me. I still think about it and smile.

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  9. Very funny! Unfortunately because so much of it is true!

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  10. Galen: I agree. Humorous, with a hint of truth.

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  11. KB: I agree. It is one of my favorites also.

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  12. A Daft Scots Lass: Thanks for the visit.

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